I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
