I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
