It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
