he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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