Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
