the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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