I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
