I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
