the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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