the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My life is pants optional.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
