I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
