You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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