Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
