3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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