Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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