haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
