At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
my poor anus
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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