I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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