i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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