Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
