i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We don't watch enough power rangers
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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