shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
