just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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