The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
