I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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