why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
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You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
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Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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