one might say we're banned from that church
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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