I'm gonna have a badass scar
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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