At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
