apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
