I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
