Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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