dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
