I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
