it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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