Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
