I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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