hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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