yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
