im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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