Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
