New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
