if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Come see our sink grown plant.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
