my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
