Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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