Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
