i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i out mim tonsoeep
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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