now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
