do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
