I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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