Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
