I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
