im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
