i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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