Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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