I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
