I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
