Will you blow on my dice?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
