There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
